Fred Allen

We are living in the machine age. For the first time in history the comedian has been compelled to supply himself with jokes and comedy material to compete with the machine. Whether he knows it or not, the comedian is on a treadmill to oblivion.

age


Fred Allen

An advertising agency is 85 percent confusion and 15 percent commission.

business


Fred Allen

My father never raised his hand to any one of his children, except in self-defense.

dad


Fred Allen

Most of us spend the first six days of each week sowing wild oats then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure.

failure


Fred Allen

I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.

family


Fred Allen

Some movie stars wear their sunglasses even in church. They're afraid God might recognize them and ask for autographs.

fear


Fred Allen

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

funny


Fred Allen

California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange.

funny


Fred Allen

The first time I sang in the church choir two hundred people changed their religion.

funny


Fred Allen

I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.

funny


Fred Allen

I have just returned from Boston. It is the only thing to do if you find yourself up there.

funny


Fred Allen

I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back.

graduation


Fred Allen

We are living in the machine age. For the first time in history the comedian has been compelled to supply himself with jokes and comedy material to compete with the machine. Whether he knows it or not, the comedian is on a treadmill to oblivion.

history


Fred Allen

All I know about humor is that I don't know anything about it.

humor


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