I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they now do.
I'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago.
If I studied all my life, I couldn't think up half the number of funny things passed in one session of congress.
Instead of giving money to found colleges to promote learning, why don't they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as good as the Prohibition one did, why, in five years we would have the smartest race of people on earth.
Don't gamble take all your savings and buy some good stock and hold it till it goes up, then sell it. If it don't go up, don't buy it.
When you put down the good things you ought to have done, and leave out the bad ones you did do well, that's Memoirs.
Ancient Rome declined because it had a Senate, now what's going to happen to us with both a House and a Senate?
This country has come to feel the same when Congress is in session as when the baby gets hold of a hammer.
Ohio claims they are due a president as they haven't had one since Taft. Look at the United States, they have not had one since Lincoln.
On account of being a democracy and run by the people, we are the only nation in the world that has to keep a government four years, no matter what it does.
If you make any money, the government shoves you in the creek once a year with it in your pockets, and all that don't get wet you can keep.
It's easy being a humorist when you've got the whole government working for you.
There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.
A man only learns in two ways, one by reading, and the other by association with smarter people.
Instead of giving money to found colleges to promote learning, why don't they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as good as the Prohibition one did, why, in five years we would have the smartest race of people on earth.
Why don't they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as well as prohibition did, in five years Americans would be the smartest race of people on Earth.
Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.
If you want to be successful, it's just this simple. Know what you are doing. Love what you are doing. And believe in what you are doing.
Instead of giving money to found colleges to promote learning, why don't they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as good as the Prohibition one did, why, in five years we would have the smartest race of people on earth.
Advertising is the art of convincing people to spend money they don't have for something they don't need.
If you make any money, the government shoves you in the creek once a year with it in your pockets, and all that don't get wet you can keep.
Let advertisers spend the same amount of money improving their product that they do on advertising and they wouldn't have to advertise it.
If advertisers spent the same amount of money on improving their products as they do on advertising then they wouldn't have to advertise them.
Money and women are the most sought after and the least known about of any two things we have.
The man with the best job in the country is the vice-president. All he has to do is get up every morning and say, 'How is the president?'