Woody Allen
Eighty percent of success is showing up
success
Woody Allen
If my films don't show a profit, I know I'm doing something right.
movies
Woody Allen
I don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.
Woody Allen
Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.
Woody Allen
The difference between sex and love is that sex relieves tension and love causes it.
Woody Allen
Is sex dirty? Only when it's being done right.
Woody Allen
Sex is better than talk. Ask anybody. Talk is what you suffer through so you can get to sex.
Woody Allen
Harvard makes mistakes too, you know. Kissinger taught there.
Woody Allen
I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.
Woody Allen
I’m astounded by people who want to ‘know’ the universe when it’s hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
Woody Allen
I’m very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.
Woody Allen
I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it’s the government.
Woody Allen
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Woody Allen
If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.
Woody Allen
I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100.
Woody Allen
My brain? That's my second favorite organ.
Woody Allen
Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
Woody Allen
Don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone you love.
Woody Allen
The only thing standing between me and greatness is me.
Woody Allen
There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
Woody Allen
She wore a short skirt and a tight sweater and her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest in a yak.
Woody Allen
If God exists, I hope he has a good excuse.
Woody Allen
All people know the same truth. Our lives consist of how we choose to distort it.
Woody Allen
Someone once asked me if my dream was to live on in the hearts of my people, and I said I would like to live on in my apartment.
Woody Allen
This year I'm a star, but what will I be next year? A black hole?
Woody Allen
In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.
Woody Allen
Having sex is like bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
Woody Allen
I do not believe in an afterlife, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
Woody Allen
To you I’m an atheist; to God, I’m the Loyal Opposition.
Woody Allen
Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have declared you legally insane in order to gain control of your estate.
Woody Allen
Human beings are divided into mind and body. The mind embraces all the nobler aspirations, like poetry and philosophy, but the body has all the fun.
Woody Allen
Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.
Woody Allen
Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.
Woody Allen
I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.
Woody Allen
Sex between 2 people is a beautiful thing; among 5 it's fantastic.
Woody Allen
When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam: I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
Woody Allen
The last woman I was in was the Statue of Liberty.
Woody Allen
Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.
art
Woody Allen
I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.
car
Woody Allen
I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
change
Woody Allen
There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
death
Woody Allen
I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.
education
Woody Allen
His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.
education
Woody Allen
Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.
experience
Woody Allen
If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.
failure
Woody Allen
The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small.
food
Woody Allen
I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
funny
Woody Allen
My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
funny
Woody Allen
I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
funny
Woody Allen
I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
funny