I got a Valentine's Day card from my girl. It said, 'Take my heart! Take my arms! Take my lips!' Which is just like her. Keeping the best part for herself.
Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.
Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.
Washington is a place where politicians don't know which way is up and taxes don't know which way is down.
A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that 'individuality' is the key to success.
Inflation is bringing us true democracy. For the first time in history, luxuries and necessities are selling at the same price.
In prehistoric times, mankind often had only two choices in crisis situations: fight or flee. In modern times, humor offers us a third alternative fight, flee - or laugh.
I remember when humor was gentle pokes. I used to call it 'arm around the shoulder' humor. Now they go for the jugular and they take no prisoners. It's mean, mean stuff.
Humor starts like a wildfire, but then continues on, smoldering, smoldering for years.
Every morning I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.