Groucho Marx

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

books


Groucho Marx

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

funny


Groucho Marx

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.


Groucho Marx

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.


Groucho Marx

When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun'.


Groucho Marx

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend on reading it.


Groucho Marx

Humor is reason gone mad.


Groucho Marx

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.


Groucho Marx

Learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all yourself.


Groucho Marx

I sent the club a wire stating, "PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT ME AS A MEMBER.


Groucho Marx

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.


Groucho Marx

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I'll never know.


Groucho Marx

Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, and I'm going to be happy in it.


Groucho Marx

Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There's no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere.


Groucho Marx

There is one way to find out if a man is honest; ask him! If he says yes you know he's crooked.


Groucho Marx

Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman. Then if you can get the dog to go somewhere and read the book, I might have a little fun.


Groucho Marx

Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men -- the other 999 follow women.


Groucho Marx

Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.


Groucho Marx

Marriage is a wonderful institution...but who wants to live in an institution?


Groucho Marx

I don’t have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They’re upstairs in my socks.


Groucho Marx

If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.


Groucho Marx

Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.


Groucho Marx

All people are born alike... except Republicans and Democrats.


Groucho Marx

Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book -and does.


Groucho Marx

A man is only as old as the woman he feels.


Groucho Marx

If you're not having fun, you're doing something wrong.


Groucho Marx

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.


Groucho Marx

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.


Groucho Marx

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.


Groucho Marx

A child of five could understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.


Groucho Marx

Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.


Groucho Marx

Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.


Groucho Marx

When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun'.

humor


Groucho Marx

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

age


Groucho Marx

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.

art


Groucho Marx

Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know.

art


Groucho Marx

She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.

beauty


Groucho Marx

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

best


Groucho Marx

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

funny


Groucho Marx

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

funny


Groucho Marx

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

funny


Groucho Marx

All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.

funny


Groucho Marx

I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book.

good


Groucho Marx

I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.

good


Groucho Marx

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.

humor


Groucho Marx

Humor is reason gone mad.

humor


Groucho Marx

Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.

life


Groucho Marx

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.

life


Groucho Marx

The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution - this everlasting living soul, began. My mind loses itself in these depths.

life


Groucho Marx

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?

marriage


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