All men are frauds. The only difference between them is that some admit it. I myself deny it.
Strike an average between what a woman thinks of her husband a month before she marries him and what she thinks of him a year afterward, and you will have the truth about him.
A national political campaign is better than the best circus ever heard of, with a mass baptism and a couple of hangings thrown in.
Love is an emotion that is based on an opinion of women that is impossible for those who have had any experience with them.
Women always excel men in that sort of wisdom which comes from experience. To be a woman is in itself a terrible experience.
The theory seems to be that as long as a man is a failure he is one of God's children, but that as soon as he succeeds he is taken over by the Devil.
Each party steals so many articles of faith from the other, and the candidates spend so much time making each other's speeches, that by the time election day is past there is nothing much to do save turn the sitting rascals out and let a new gang in.
Faith may be defined briefly as an illogical belief in the occurrence of the improbable.
The one permanent emotion of the inferior man is fear - fear of the unknown, the complex, the inexplicable. What he wants above everything else is safety.
Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who would want to live in an institution?
It is impossible to imagine the universe run by a wise, just and omnipotent God, but it is quite easy to imagine it run by a board of gods.
The theory seems to be that as long as a man is a failure he is one of God's children, but that as soon as he succeeds he is taken over by the Devil.
The chief contribution of Protestantism to human thought is its massive proof that God is a bore.
Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want, and deserve to get it good and hard.
Giving every man a vote has no more made men wise and free than Christianity has made them good.
If women believed in their husbands they would be a good deal happier and also a good deal more foolish.
There is a saying in Baltimore that crabs may be prepared in fifty ways and that all of them are good.
The most dangerous man to any government is the man who is able to think things out... without regard to the prevailing superstitions and taboos. Almost inevitably he comes to the conclusion that the government he lives under is dishonest, insane, intolerable.
The worst government is often the most moral. One composed of cynics is often very tolerant and humane. But when fanatics are on top there is no limit to oppression.
I believe that all government is evil, and that trying to improve it is largely a waste of time.
No one in this world has ever lost money by underestimating the intelligence of the great masses of the plain people. Nor has anyone ever lost public office thereby.
On some great and glorious day the plain folks of the land will reach their heart's desire at last, and the White House will be adorned by a downright moron.
There are men so philosophical that they can see humor in their own toothaches. But there has never lived a man so philosophical that he could see the toothache in his own humor.
It is impossible to imagine the universe run by a wise, just and omnipotent God, but it is quite easy to imagine it run by a board of gods.
We are here and it is now. Further than that, all human knowledge is moonshine.
The basic fact about human existence is not that it is a tragedy, but that it is a bore. It is not so much a war as an endless standing in line.
Women have simple tastes. They get pleasure out of the conversation of children in arms and men in love.
To be in love is merely to be in a state of perceptual anesthesia - to mistake an ordinary young woman for a goddess.
A man always remembers his first love with special tenderness, but after that he begins to bunch them.
Love is an emotion that is based on an opinion of women that is impossible for those who have had any experience with them.
Whenever you hear a man speak of his love for his country, it is a sign that he expects to be paid for it.