I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.
I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.
I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.
I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.
Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'
I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'