Charles Dickens
For it is good to be children sometimes, and never better than at Christmas, when its mighty Founder was a child Himself.
Bill Watterson
You know, sometimes kids get bad grades in school because the class moves too slow for them. Einstein got D's in school. Well guess what, I get F's!!!
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Charles Dickens
It's my old girl that advises. She has the head. But I never own to it before her. Discipline must be maintained.
Dave Barry
Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking.
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José Maria de Eça de Queiroz
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
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Oscar Wilde
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.
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Mark Twain
When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much he had learned in seven years.
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Emo Philips
My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.
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Charlie Chaplin
I always like walking in the rain, so no one can see me crying.
Gena Showalter
I don't hate you.. I just don't like that you exist.
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Charlie Chaplin
You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down.
Groucho Marx
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
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Charlie Chaplin
Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.
Rodney Dangerfield
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
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Charlie Chaplin
A man's true character comes out when he's drunk.
Rodney Dangerfield
A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree. ― Spike Milligan I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
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Charlie Chaplin
We think too much and feel too little.
Lucille Ball
The secret to staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.
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Steven Wright
I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
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George Bernard Shaw
Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.
George Bernard Shaw
A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.
George Bernard Shaw
Make it a rule never to give a child a book you would not read yourself.
George Bernard Shaw
Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.
George Bernard Shaw
The reasonable man adapts himself to the world: the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man.
George Bernard Shaw
You see things; you say, 'Why?' But I dream things that never were; and I say 'Why not?
George Bernard Shaw
Those who cannot change their minds cannot change anything.
George Bernard Shaw
Why should we take advice on sex from the pope? If he knows anything about it, he shouldn't!
George Bernard Shaw
The liar's punishment is, not in the least that he is not believed, but that he cannot believe anyone else.
George Bernard Shaw
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
Charlie Chaplin
Failure is unimportant. It takes courage to make a fool of yourself.
Charlie Chaplin
Life is a tragedy when seen in close-up, but a comedy in long-shot.
Charlie Chaplin
To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.
Charlie Chaplin
You'll find that life is still worthwhile, if you just smile.
Charlie Chaplin
What do you want meaning for? Life is desire, not meaning.
Charlie Chaplin
My pain may be the reason for somebody's laugh. But my laugh must never be the reason for somebody's pain.
Charlie Chaplin
I will not join any club who will take me as a member.
Charlie Chaplin
I remain just one thing, and one thing only, and that is a clown. It puts me on a far higher place than any politician.
Charlie Chaplin
The saddest thing I can imagine is to get used to luxury.
Charlie Chaplin
Laughter is the tonic, the relief, the surcease for pain.
Charlie Chaplin
I suppose that's one of the ironies of life doing the wrong thing at the right moment.
Charlie Chaplin
All my pictures are built around the idea of getting in trouble and so giving me the chance to be desperately serious in my attempt to appear as a normal little gentleman.
Charlie Chaplin
All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.
George Bernard Shaw
Never wrestle with pigs. You both get dirty and the pig likes it.
Charlie Chaplin
Brunettes are troublemakers. They're worse than the Jews.
George Bernard Shaw
Success does not consist in never making mistakes but in never making the same one a second time.
Charlie Chaplin
Man as an individual is a genius. But men in the mass form the headless monster, a great, brutish idiot that goes where prodded.
Charlie Chaplin
This is a ruthless world and one must be ruthless to cope with it.
Charlie Chaplin
Dictators free themselves, but they enslave the people.
Charlie Chaplin
Simplicity is a difficult thing to achieve.
George Bernard Shaw
War does not decide who is right but who is left.