Katharine Hepburn
Life is hard. After all, it kills you.
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Groucho Marx
All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.
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George Carlin
Electricity is really just organized lightning.
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Ronald Reagan
One picture is worth 1,000 denials.
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Arnold Schwarzenegger
I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with Guess on it. I said, Thyroid problem?
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Joan Rivers
I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
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Robin Williams
I'm sorry, if you were right, I'd agree with you.
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Don Marquis
A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists.
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Milton Berle
A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.
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Billy Connolly
My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.
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Joe E. Lewis
I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.
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Oscar Levant
Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.
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Robert Orben
Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.
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Don Marquis
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
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Henry A. Kissinger
There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
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Erma Bombeck
Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.
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Erma Bombeck
Never have more children than you have car windows.
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Bertrand Russell
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
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Robin Williams
Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
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Bill Vaughan
Money won't buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.
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Steven Wright
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
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David Brenner
A vegetarian is a person who won't eat anything that can have children.
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Yogi Berra
I never said most of the things I said.
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W. C. Fields
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
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Bill Cosby
Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.
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Warren Buffett
I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me.
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Mitch Hedberg
I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.
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Steven Wright
What's another word for Thesaurus?
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George Carlin
In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.
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Emo Philips
How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
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Mel Brooks
Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.
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Walt Disney
I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.
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Imelda Marcos
I did not have three thousand pairs of shoes, I had one thousand and sixty.
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Phyllis Diller
Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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Charles M. Schulz
I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time.
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Josh Billings
There are lots of people who mistake their imagination for their memory.
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P. J. O'Rourke
Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.
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David Lee Roth
I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
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Clint Eastwood
They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.
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Zsa Zsa Gabor
He taught me housekeeping when I divorce I keep the house.
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Steven Wright
I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
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Calvin Coolidge
I have never been hurt by what I have not said.
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Steven Wright
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
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Walt Whitman
I no doubt deserved my enemies, but I don't believe I deserved my friends.
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Lily Tomlin
If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?
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Bertrand Russell
The world is full of magical things patiently waiting for our wits to grow sharper.
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Mitch Hedberg
I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.
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H. L. Mencken
It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.
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W. C. Fields
I like children - fried.
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Jerry Seinfeld
It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
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