Frank Sinatra
I'm for whatever gets you through the night.
funny
P. J. O'Rourke
Because of their size, parents may be difficult to discipline properly.
funny
Bob Hope
I love to go to Washington - if only to be near my money.
funny
Will Rogers
I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they now do.
funny
Saint Augustine
O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet.
funny
Will Rogers
I'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago.
funny
Spike Milligan
A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.
funny
Hillary Clinton
I'm undaunted in my quest to amuse myself by constantly changing my hair.
funny
H. L. Mencken
Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public.
funny
Luis Bunuel
Age is something that doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese.
funny
Jerry Lewis
Every man's dream is to be able to sink into the arms of a woman without also falling into her hands.
funny
Phyllis Diller
The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
funny
Spike Milligan
My Father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.
funny
Cathy Guisewite
Food, love, career, and mothers, the four major guilt groups.
funny
Kevin Nealon
A lot of baby boomers are baby bongers.
funny
Jane Wagner
When we talk to God, we're praying. When God talks to us, we're schizophrenic.
funny
Voltaire
The superfluous, a very necessary thing.
funny
Ron White
The next time you have a thought... let it go.
funny
W. Clement Stone
What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?
funny
Arnold Schwarzenegger
It's simple, if it jiggles, it's fat.
funny
Rita Rudner
When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.
funny
Victor Hugo
Fashions have done more harm than revolutions.
funny
Logan P. Smith
If you want to be thought a liar, always tell the truth.
funny
Dave Barry
It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.
funny
Rodney Dangerfield
I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
funny
Mitch Hedberg
This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty.
funny
Laurence J. Peter
Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.
funny
Herbert Hoover
All men are equal before fish.
funny
Demetri Martin
I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.'
funny
Joan Rivers
I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
funny
Fred Allen
California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange.
funny
H. G. Wells
Every time I see an adult on a bicycle, I no longer despair for the future of the human race.
funny
Joan Rivers
If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.
funny
H. L. Mencken
Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who would want to live in an institution?
funny
Mort Sahl
My life needs editing.
funny
Bill Maher
Men are only as loyal as their options.
funny
Woody Allen
My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
funny
Stephen Fry
I don't need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me.
funny
George Burns
When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.
funny
Arnold Schwarzenegger
I have a love interest in every one of my films: a gun.
funny
Fran Lebowitz
You're only as good as your last haircut.
funny
E. B. White
Be obscure clearly.
funny
Fran Lebowitz
Food is an important part of a balanced diet.
funny
Robert Benchley
I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well.
funny
Hesiod
Do not let a flattering woman coax and wheedle you and deceive you she is after your barn.
funny
Kevin James
There's no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap.
funny
Ellen DeGeneres
People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant.
funny
Tallulah Bankhead
If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner.
funny
Bill Maher
Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.
funny
Lewis Black
All the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911.
funny