Jerry Seinfeld
Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.
funny
Robert Benchley
Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.
funny
Lily Tomlin
If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?
funny
Lucille Ball
You see much more of your children once they leave home.
funny
Helen Rowland
One man's folly is another man's wife.
funny
Robert Orben
Never raise your hand to your children - it leaves your midsection unprotected.
funny
Bette Davis
I'd luv to kiss ya, but I just washed my hair.
funny
Woody Allen
I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
funny
Johnny Carson
If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners.
funny
Hillary Clinton
If I want to knock a story off the front page, I just change my hairstyle.
funny
Frank Lloyd Wright
TV is chewing gum for the eyes.
funny
Emo Philips
I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
funny
Jay Leno
Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day.
funny
Steve Martin
Boy, those French: they have a different word for everything!
funny
Billy Connolly
I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.
funny
Milton Berle
Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.
funny
Marcelene Cox
If at first you don't succeed, blame your parents.
funny
Steve Martin
I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.
funny
Robert Byrne
Until you walk a mile in another man's moccasins you can't imagine the smell.
funny
P. J. O'Rourke
Never fight an inanimate object.
funny
Brooke Shields
Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.
funny
Woody Allen
I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
funny
Ellen DeGeneres
I think they should have a Barbie with a buzz cut.
funny
Woody Allen
If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.
funny
Alanis Morissette
We'll love you just the way you are if you're perfect.
funny
Bette Davis
Brought up to respect the conventions, love had to end in marriage. I'm afraid it did.
funny
Samuel Goldwyn
I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead.
funny
Samuel Butler
Parents are the last people on earth who ought to have children.
funny
Tim Allen
Men are liars. We'll lie about lying if we have to. I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.
funny
Bob Hope
A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live.
funny
E. B. White
Everything in life is somewhere else, and you get there in a car.
funny
Demetri Martin
If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat!
funny
Robin Williams
If it's the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number?
funny
Jay Leno
The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.
funny
Henry A. Kissinger
Moderation is a virtue only in those who are thought to have an alternative.
funny
Johnny Carson
I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.
funny
Joe Rogan
That's my only goal. Surround myself with funny people, and make sure everyone has a good time and works hard.
funny
Jerry Seinfeld
The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!
funny
James Thurber
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
funny
Henny Youngman
If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.
funny
Fred Allen
The first time I sang in the church choir two hundred people changed their religion.
funny
Fran Lebowitz
Polite conversation is rarely either.
funny
Rob Corddry
If you have a secret, people will sit a little bit closer.
funny
William Lyon Phelps
If at first you don't succeed, find out if the loser gets anything.
funny
Tracey Ullman
As I get older, I just prefer to knit.
funny
George Burns
If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age.
funny
Rita Rudner
I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.
funny
Josh Billings
Every man has his follies - and often they are the most interesting thing he has got.
funny
Joan Rivers
Never floss with a stranger.
funny
Emo Philips
I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.
funny