Demetri Martin
The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.
funny
Mel Brooks
If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets.
funny
Josh Billings
Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed.
funny
Johnny Carson
Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.
funny
Laurence J. Peter
Television has changed the American child from an irresistable force to an immovable object.
funny
Rita Rudner
To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior.'
funny
Marilyn vos Savant
Have enough sense to know, ahead of time, when your skills will not extend to wallpapering.
funny
Elayne Boosler
I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something's wrong with me.
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Gloria Steinem
I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.
funny
Toni Morrison
I like marriage. The idea.
funny
George Burns
I spent a year in that town, one Sunday.
funny
Mike Myers
My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.
funny
Naguib Mahfouz
God did not intend religion to be an exercise club.
funny
Margaret Smith
My uncle Sammy was an angry man. He had printed on his tombstone: What are you looking at?
funny
Les Dawson
I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.
funny
George Burns
Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.
funny
Dave Barry
The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.
funny
Rita Rudner
In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.
funny
Alfred Hitchcock
Television has brought back murder into the home - where it belongs.
funny
Lenny Bruce
Communism is like one big phone company.
funny
Dennis Miller
There's nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you're insightful about it.
funny
Fred Allen
I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.
funny
Lewis Black
There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice.
funny
Don Rickles
Who picks your clothes - Stevie Wonder?
funny
Josh Billings
There's a great power in words, if you don't hitch too many of them together.
funny
Jay London
My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings.
funny
David Brenner
When I go to a bar, I don't go looking for a girl who knows the capital of Maine.
funny
Arthur Conan Doyle
I consider that a man's brain originally is like a little empty attic, and you have to stock it with such furniture as you choose.
funny
Paula Poundstone
I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name.
funny
Cathy Guisewite
Defy your own group. Rebel against yourself.
funny
Jack Benny
I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.
funny
Dennis Miller
I rant, therefore I am.
funny
Johnny Vegas
It is easy for me to love myself, but for ladies to do it is another question altogether.
funny
Jimmy Durante
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
funny
Richard Lewis
When you're in love it's the most glorious two and a half days of your life.
funny
Elayne Boosler
When the sun comes up, I have morals again.
funny
Robert Benchley
Tell us your phobias and we will tell you what you are afraid of.
funny
Eddie Izzard
I grew up in Europe, where the history comes from.
funny
James Thurber
Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.
funny
Lewis Mumford
Our national flower is the concrete cloverleaf.
funny
Al Gore
The day I made that statement, about the inventing the internet, I was tired because I'd been up all night inventing the Camcorder.
funny
Eddie Izzard
Never put a sock in a toaster.
funny
Michael J. Fox
I'm going to marry a Jewish woman because I like the idea of getting up Sunday morning and going to the deli.
funny
Logan P. Smith
We need two kinds of acquaintances, one to complain to, while to the others we boast.
funny
Bob Hope
If I have to lay an egg for my country, I'll do it.
funny
Roy Orbison
I may be a living legend, but that sure don't help when I've got to change a flat tire.
funny
Paul Lynde
I wish I had the nerve not to tip.
funny
Spike Milligan
How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven.
funny
Joe E. Lewis
The way taxes are, you might as well marry for love.
funny
Jay London
I recorded my hair this morning, tonight I'm watching the highlights.
funny