Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have six children and no theories.
When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.
If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?
If the lessons of history teach us anything it is that nobody learns the lessons that history teaches us.
When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. Now I’m beginning to believe it
Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else’s can shorten it.
All men are frauds. The only difference between them is that some admit it. I myself deny it.
A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
I do not know the American gentleman, God forgive me for putting two such words together.
What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, "At my age, I don't even buy green bananas.
When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninetyseven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.
Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.
I can tell if two people are in love by how they hold each other’s hands, and how thick their sanitation gloves are.
You know, sometimes kids get bad grades in school because the class moves too slow for them. Einstein got D's in school. Well guess what, I get F's!!!
Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking.
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much he had learned in seven years.
A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree. ― Spike Milligan I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
The secret to staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.
A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.