I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.
Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You're not out of it until the computer says you're out of it.
Medicine is my lawful wife and literature my mistress when I get tired of one, I spend the night with the other.
Doctors are just the same as lawyers the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too.
The doctor sees all the weakness of mankind the lawyer all the wickedness, the theologian all the stupidity.
Doctors will have more lives to answer for in the next world than even we generals.
All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.
Illness is the doctor to whom we pay most heed to kindness, to knowledge, we make promise only pain we obey.
Three-quarters of the sicknesses of intelligent people come from their intelligence. They need at least a doctor who can understand this sickness.
A physician's physiology has much the same relation to his power of healing as a cleric's divinity has to his power of influencing conduct.
You may not be able to read a doctor's handwriting and prescription, but you'll notice his bills are neatly typewritten.
Modern medicine is a negation of health. It isn't organized to serve human health, but only itself, as an institution. It makes more people sick than it heals.
I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.
As a medical doctor, it is my duty to evaluate the situation with as much data as I can gather and as much expertise as I have and as much experience as I have to determine whether or not the wish of the patient is medically justified.
My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn't pay the bill he gave me six months more.
When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.
The great secret of doctors, known only to their wives, but still hidden from the public, is that most things get better by themselves most things, in fact, are better in the morning.
I was always shocked when I went to the doctor's office and they did my X-ray and didn't find that I had eight more ribs than I should have or that my blood was the color green.
In the name of Hypocrites, doctors have invented the most exquisite form of torture ever known to man: survival.
I'm 86 and my doctor used to tell me to slow down - at least he did until he dropped dead.
Some people think that doctors and nurses can put scrambled eggs back in the shell.
The physician's highest calling, his only calling, is to make sick people healthy - to heal, as it is termed.
It is reasonable to expect the doctor to recognize that science may not have all the answers to problems of health and healing.
Growing up, my dolls were doctors and on secret missions. I had Barbie Goes Rambo.
When a man goes through six years training to be a doctor he will never be the same. He knows too much.
Flying back from New York, the flight attendant said 'God, I wished you were here yesterday, we had a stroke on the plane. I said, if I have a stroke on a plane, I hope the pretend doctor isn't the one on the plane. I want a real doctor.
America has the best doctors, the best nurses, the best hospitals, the best medical technology, the best medical breakthrough medicines in the world. There is absolutely no reason we should not have in this country the best health care in the world.
I went to the doctor and he said I had acute appendicitis, and I said compared to who?
I'm strongly for a patient Bill of Rights. Decisions ought to be made by doctors, not accountants.
I'm by no means condemning prescription medicine for mental health. I've seen it save a lot of people's lives.
Mammograms are really sort of a gift. You can either catch something early or count your lucky stars because nothing was discovered. Either way, you're ahead of the game.
If you look at the human condition today, not everyone is well fed, has access to good medical care, or the physical basics that provide for a healthy and a happy life.
In the sick room, ten cents' worth of human understanding equals ten dollars' worth of medical science.
Medical liability reform is not a Republican or Democrat issue or even a doctor versus lawyer issue. It is a patient issue.
The art of medicine was to be properly learned only from its practice and its exercise.
A pregnant woman facing the most dire circumstances must be able to count on her doctor to do what is medically necessary to protect her from serious physical harm.
I got the bill for my surgery. Now I know what those doctors were wearing masks for.